It'll be one year on Tuesday when my world came crashing down around me. When I lost my grandpa. Even now as I sit here trying to figure out what to say, I don't have the words to express the accute loss I feel. All I know is that part of me died the day my grandpa died. He was my grandpa and I was his Babe. We had been insepparable. From the moment I was born, I had captured his heart. I was his Babe. His little girl.
Last January when he had went into the hospital this last time, I knew he wouldn't be going home again. That he wouldn't be around much longer. I prayed I was wrong. I wanted to be wrong so badly. 'Cause if I was right, that meant that I would be losing him. Something I had feared happening since he moved away when I was a little girl. I was able to talk to him over the weekend when he was in the hospital. Not for very long, but long enough to let him know that I loved him. The very last thing that he told me was, "I love you, Babe." Then on Monday my world came crashing down around me. My dad had woken me up to tell me that grandpa had just died. I sat frozen. Praying that this was a horrible nightmare. But it wasn't. Grandpa was gone. And just like that everything I had ever known was changed. Gone. The world was a vast and empty place all of a sudden. Scary. And the one person I wanted, was gone. And my heart broke.
It was a tough year last year. Filled with loss and pain. It was all about taking one step forward and two steps back. I would fall, and try to pick myself up again. Some days it was easier than others. It was hard 'cause there were so many days when I would hear his voice. Or his laugh. Would give anything to see his smile. But he was gone. And my heart would break a little more. Some days I can smile when I think of him. And the pain isn't so bad. Other days, all I can do is weep from the horrible loss I feel. Grieve over the hole in my heart. Yes, I'm glad he's in a better place and not suffering anymore, but now he's gone and I'm hurting. Left trying to figure out how to put the pieces of my heart back together again. How to go on without him.
Every day I get up and try to live my life the best I can. Even on the hard days, I do. I go on for him. Showing my grandpa that I won't let lupus beat me. I go on.
So grandpa, I know you're watching over me. Making sure that I'm okay. And when it comes to losing you, I'm not okay. I miss you terribly. I miss the sound of your voice. Your laugh. Hearing you call me your Babe. My heart is broken, and a huge piece is missing when you left. But I know I'll see you again. Until I do, I'll have some rough days along with good days. And one day when I think of you, it won't hurt as much as it does now. The pain won't be as raw. I'll think of the happy memories shared with you, and smile. Oh, I miss you grandpa. So very much. And love you even more. Your little girl loves you. I'll always be your Babe.
