Tired of being Sick and Tired

Okay, so Sunday I went on a 2 1/2 hour car trip to visit a friend in Rochester. I hadn't seen him in months, so it would be nice to catch up. I found out Fri or Sat that I would be going down to see him. Mind you, car trips never bothered me before I got sick. I rather enjoyed them. After getting sick 11yrs ago, I'm miserable after being in the car for half an hour. And anything over an hour usually wipes me out for a few days. Sometimes a week. So when I found out that I would be going to visit a friend Sunday, I immediately felt tired and sapped of all energy. Dreading what was coming. Yes, it was good visiting with my friend Sunday, but the drive was as bad as I expected it to be. Being in the car for a total of 5hours is not my idea of a good time. I was more than ready to get home by the end of it and crash in bed.

Three days later and I'm still paying for Sunday. I'm in pain constantly, exhausted, and miserable. And as much as I want to sleep, I can't. Being in constant pain really messes up your sleep. And pretty much everything else too.

Now, my friend would've understood if I had said no to coming down and seeing him, especially if he knew on what it was going to cost me. But I hate having to say no to everyone when they ask me to do something or go somewhere with them. It gets old really quick. And it certainly doesn't get any easier.

I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired! I'm tired of having to debate whether or not having some fun one night is going to be worth it for what I'm going to be going thru later. Is 3 days of pain and misery too steep of a price to pay for one night of fun with friends? (And those 3 days can quickly turn into a week) Will it be worth it in the end? Usually its not. Sometimes it is though. Sometimes you just need to go out and have some fun. Try to be normal for a few hours. Normal. I would give anything to be normal again. To be healthy. To not have to question every friggin' decision I make. To not think about the price that I'll pay for a night out with the girls. Instead be able to just go out and have fun. Oh, to be healthy again. To be able to live freely again. No more doctors appointments, tests, more doctor appointments. Followed by still more tests. Which gets old really quick. After 11yrs of living this way, it does NOT get easier. And anyone who says differently is full of it.

So I scream out into this void, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! Sick of it!"