Tired of being Sick and Tired

Okay, so Sunday I went on a 2 1/2 hour car trip to visit a friend in Rochester. I hadn't seen him in months, so it would be nice to catch up. I found out Fri or Sat that I would be going down to see him. Mind you, car trips never bothered me before I got sick. I rather enjoyed them. After getting sick 11yrs ago, I'm miserable after being in the car for half an hour. And anything over an hour usually wipes me out for a few days. Sometimes a week. So when I found out that I would be going to visit a friend Sunday, I immediately felt tired and sapped of all energy. Dreading what was coming. Yes, it was good visiting with my friend Sunday, but the drive was as bad as I expected it to be. Being in the car for a total of 5hours is not my idea of a good time. I was more than ready to get home by the end of it and crash in bed.

Three days later and I'm still paying for Sunday. I'm in pain constantly, exhausted, and miserable. And as much as I want to sleep, I can't. Being in constant pain really messes up your sleep. And pretty much everything else too.

Now, my friend would've understood if I had said no to coming down and seeing him, especially if he knew on what it was going to cost me. But I hate having to say no to everyone when they ask me to do something or go somewhere with them. It gets old really quick. And it certainly doesn't get any easier.

I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired! I'm tired of having to debate whether or not having some fun one night is going to be worth it for what I'm going to be going thru later. Is 3 days of pain and misery too steep of a price to pay for one night of fun with friends? (And those 3 days can quickly turn into a week) Will it be worth it in the end? Usually its not. Sometimes it is though. Sometimes you just need to go out and have some fun. Try to be normal for a few hours. Normal. I would give anything to be normal again. To be healthy. To not have to question every friggin' decision I make. To not think about the price that I'll pay for a night out with the girls. Instead be able to just go out and have fun. Oh, to be healthy again. To be able to live freely again. No more doctors appointments, tests, more doctor appointments. Followed by still more tests. Which gets old really quick. After 11yrs of living this way, it does NOT get easier. And anyone who says differently is full of it.

So I scream out into this void, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! Sick of it!"

So Blessed

I knew my birthday was going to be tough this year, and I was right. It was so hard knowing grandpa wasn't able to be a part of the day this year. In all of my 33 yrs, my grandpa has always been a part of it. If he wasn't there celebrating with me, he always called. Tears flowed Fri. night knowing the day was coming to a close and I hadn't gotten a phone call from him. I missed hearing his voice. Hearing him call me his Babe. Saying that he loved me. I feel the loss in every area of my life.

So while I was at my lowest, Friday, I went online to try to distract myself. And I got the best gift ever. I found so many wonderful b-day messages from friends. New and old. And from my Lupie girls'. I smiled and I laughed. Something I did very little of during the day. My girls' helped me thru the worst of it. The tears stopped and I was doing better. The sadness and grief lifted. My girls' helped me thru a tough day. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful friends in my life. Pulling for me. Reminding me that I'm a strong woman when life becomes a little too much to handle. My girls' wrap me in a blanket of love and support. They're there comforting me on the bad days and rejoicing with me on the good. Thanks, girls', you're the best!!

I AM BLESSED

Jan. 10th, The Worst Day Ever

Okay, so I'm going to try blogging. Not sure how I'll do, but here it goes. Stepping out of my comfort zone and trying something new.

I thought for sure this year was going to suck after the way it started off. Losing 2 grandparents in a little less than a month. Not my idea of a good time. And then knowing that March 9th would mark the 11th year for me being sick w/Lupus and the other diseases that are running rampant throughout my body. That alone was going to be hard enough to deal with, but then losing 2 loved ones... bad year for sure.

January 10th was the worst day ever. Even worse than all of the painful tests I've been put through over the past 11 years. I lost my grandpa. And with him went pieces of my heart. From the moment that I was born we had been insepparable. I was the first grandchild on my dad's side of the family and a grand-daughter at that. My grandpa had always wanted a daughter. Instead had three boys. From the moment that he held me, I had his heart. I was his Babe and I could do no wrong.

It's so hard remembering what I had and what I've now lost. My eyes burn from the tears threatening to fall. Throat constricting. sigh Oh, I miss him. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't thought about him. Where I'd think he would love hearing that. I'd go to pick up the phone to call him only to remember that I couldn't. He's not here anymore. And my heart breaks a little more. I would give anything to hear his voice again. To hear him call me his Babe one more time. Be wrapped up in his arms. I would hold on and never let go. But I can't. He's gone. Taking with him pieces of my heart.

So into this void I say, I love you grandpa. I'll always be your Babe. sniff